BLUE ANGEL PARENTING
Are you a helicopter or a satellite? Do you hover constantly or do you orbit at a long distance? You’re a helicopter parent if terms such as “micromanager,” “control freak,” and “worry wart” describe you. You’re a satellite if you are uninvolved, overscheduled or if you believe “kids raise themselves.”
Helicopter parents are overly involved and overly concerned. They justify their need to constantly monitor their child’s every activity with their fears about safety, accidents and injury. Believing that good parenting means preventing failure and mistakes, these parents try to anticipate every move their child makes. They frequently overschedule their child in the belief that most of the day should be spent in formal instruction or lessons. They fear their child will not use every minute of every day productively.
Children of helicopter parents become frustrated by parental intrusion into every aspect of their life. In childhood they shout “leave me alone” and “I can do it myself.” As adolescents, they become “parent deaf,” rebellious or distant from the family. These behaviors send helicopter parents into panic and aggravate the problem by causing their parents to become even more controlling in an attempt to stay close.
Satellite parents are lacksidasical, uninvolved or overly lenient. These parents are too permissive and feel discipline is wrong or that kids should be free to do their own thing. Their children often feel abandoned or unimportant.
Satellite parents are often very busy and are themselves overscheduled. They enroll their kids in activities but can’t make it to practices, games and recitals. Placing their children in good schools is enough for these parents. They don’t check in with teachers, don’t supervise homework time and can’t really give much detail about their child’s friends.
Most parents are somewhere in between the extremes of helicopter and satellite in their parenting style yet still have trouble finding balance.
Optimal parenting requires flexibility, constant course correction and coordination. Think about the Blue Angels and the precision with which these elegant fighter jet pilots maintain their formation across constantly changing terrain and conditions. Their success depends upon trust, feedback and self-monitoring.
Blue angel parents are adaptable and use signals from their growing children to adjust their course of action. These parents can helicopter around their infant and toddler when he needs constant supervision. They are comfortable moving back and observing as their child develops skills.
Helicoptoring is appropriate when young children need help developing the discipline to do homework but it is time to back off and observe from a distance when they are engaged in play with friends. As children become teenagers it is important to closely supervise driving and social interactions until teens demonstrate safe behaviors. It is safe to be a mostly satellite parent when you have established trust with your teen.
Most parents of adolescents and young adults do not try to own their children’s success and are not competitive with them. Many of them make the opposite mistake. They attempt to prevent their maturing children from any semblance of failure, pain or mistake. They are quick to jump in and rescue their child or problem solve any issue.
Blue Angel parents realize that self-reliance, problem solving skills and frustration tolerance comes from success but more importantly through learning from mistakes and from their children’s attempts to work things out for themselves. Learning to deal with disappointment and failure are every bit as important as learning how to celebrate accomplishment. These parents realize they must help their child develop skills to live on their own without constant support and aid from their family.
The ultimate goal of parenting is to be in sync with a child’s needs. Maintaining the right distance means knowing when to step in and parent and when to disappear.
Contact Brainwaves for help with parenting skills and for Cognitive Behavioral Therapy for children.